I've finally listened to my husband... *gasp*

For the entire length of our marriage (9 years) and the year that preceded our super romantic, albeit inexpensive, nuptials, Jon has told me to *write it down*. For everything from remembering bananas at the store, directions for something or to something, and especially when I've experienced something that I chose to experience and in the end wish that I hadn't or wanted to remember to never experience again. This falls into that last category.

It also falls in line with a previous post where I hinted that there would be a topic on my *major* dilemma. It all began back when I went to college the first time. I was just out of high school and I really did not make the choice of my college, my major, or my scholarships. My theater teacher/director did all of this. I just started getting mail with instructions and little stickers that said *sign here*, which, of course I did. My major was theater and I showed up and went with the flow. Not to say that I didn't have a rockin' good time, I did, but I knew that this would amount to nothing and I quit. After just over two semesters I ran off to the *big* city, met my would be husband and had a kid.

After kid #1 was born I decided that I needed schooling to get ahead in life and decided to enroll in business school. I went for about six months when I quit. I was bored and I felt like I was getting no where. I worked a job here and there and two years and two months after #1 came #2.

I began to worry about how I was going to care for these kids. I wanted to give them a better life than I had, I didn't want to worry about how I was going to afford the little things. Jon has always had a good job, but I wanted to also be an active member of society and have an active role in improving our financial situation. I went through a certificate program to be a medical assistant. I did actually get a job doing what I went to school for and the money was pretty good. I did figure out, though, that I preferred the front office to the back office and I didn't mind transcribing letters and working with insurance companies to get things paid for.

At the time that I was working full time at the physician's office I went through the local EMT training program and became a paramedic. It was fun. I've had experiences that I would never have had if I hadn't done that. I did really like it, but again I couldn't see myself doing it forever. During this kid #3 appeared and I felt that I didn't have any choice, I just needed to stick it out. I even worked in a level one trauma center and while the trauma was great, and yes I am a horrible person because the agony of others gave me a rush, the medical portion sucked.

After a while, I'm talking months, I quit working all together. I became a stay at home mom, but I wanted more. I mean I love my kids, but being with them all day will some day kill me. I need interaction from people who can read past a fourth grade level, not that I'm guaranteed I will get this in society. I love caring for my family and it is important to me, but I get a lot of my worth from what I do outside the home and if I'm contributing.

Now for that warp sound, like in movies when time passes.

Last June, that's just over a year ago, I decided to go back to college. Not a certificate program, real college. Not that I'm knocking certificates or anything, I've just found that I'm normally a quitter and I think that going to real college will make me finish. I thought long and hard about my major before enrolling. What did I think would be interesting? Who's job did I always think was so easy? - not a very good question.

I ended up majoring in Radiology Technology. I got all hyped up. My *platform* was boobs and our need to protect them. I was going to do mammograms. I got majorly into it. That lasted one summer semester. If your not familiar with a summer semester it's about six weeks long. I said it earlier, I'm a quitter. But more than that I can't make a decision and keep it to save my life. I change my mind more often than I change razor blades, and that's bi-weekly. The moment I make up my mind to do something I take it and run with it, but the moment I get tired my mind starts changing (and I can't run very far, probably to the end of the block, maybe).

I did some deep thinking. What am I passionate about? What have I always wanted to do but didn't have the guts to do? I decided on nursing. My long term goal was to be a midwife. Again I jumped into it with both feet. I was going to go through the nursing program at the college and do a midwifery program at the same time. I got totally into it. I thought *this is it, this is what I was meant for*. I applied for a scholarship for the midwifery program. I didn't get it. I quit. I thought *screw it, maybe it wasn't meant to be*. That actually lasted the second summer semester and about half of the fall semester. When I got that rejection letter I changed my major.

I did some *soul searching*. I dug deep, really deep. I asked myself * What job have I done that I really enjoyed?*. For a while a few years prior I was a substitute teacher. I thought back to that. It made me decide to become a kindergarten teacher. Let me take this moment to mention that fact that I do not like kids. I can handle them for a bit, but in general they annoy me. Forgetting this one important fact, I changed my major to elementary education.

Surprise!! This lasted for the second half of the fall semester and about three weeks into the spring semester. I changed my major, again. I went back to nursing and midwifery.

I just have to say that my psychology professor did mention that the average student changes their major four times before sticking with something, so in this I am average.

Again I dove in. I bought books. I joined websites. I followed news on laws concerning midwives. I educated myself. I had everything planned up through my masters degree. But this small voice in the back of my head kept repeating one thing *I DON'T WANT TO BE A NURSE!*. This is the same voice that haunted me every time I thought about nursing. Every time I thought *just maybe*. I would push that voice back further and try to drown it out with cherry Dr. Pepper and the fumes of play-dough. I would think *this is the next logical step in my life, plus the money is good*.

I just have this feeling in my gut that there is something better out there. Something that I have yet to try that I may be very good at and really enjoy doing. Why should I follow that *next logical step*?

I've decided to take this semester and try new things. Things I've never really done before but have an interest in. I figure. I can't apply for nursing school until spring. Why not. I've just filled this semester with medical classes that I can easily take in the spring if I don't find anything I like any better. And I know what you're thinking *this crazy chick is going through a spiral that will never end, just be a nurse for goodness sake*. But I just can't do it without looking further. I've started a pros and cons list and the cons for nursing have grown like a football player on roids. The pros have stayed with my initial 3. Like my husband has always told me, I've finally written it down and it's all so much clearer. And I'm finally content, not happy, but content.