Like a big, dirty 18-wheeler...

I was so completely unaware of the impact that Grace's birthday would have on me. I'm not one of those really mushy moms who record every event, every minute of their children's lives. I don't remember the exact date when each of them first rolled over, spoke their first words, or took their first steps. I was too busy enjoying the moment, recording the images in my mind, to remember the dates, or to even remember to write it down.

To redeem myself among moms I have taken, probably, a trillion pictures. I have filled so much space on the hard drive, I have dozens of DVDs filled, and not to mention the many, many photos from before the advent of the digital camera (which was my salvation).

But yesterday hit me like a big, dirty 18-wheeler and when I turned to see what hit me all I could see was the mud flaps with the silhouette of a pin-up model and the sticker *How's my driving*. I didn't catch the number or I so would have called.

It's really hard for me to admit this. I'm just not one of those women. I'm not emotional. I don't get all squealy at kittens and babies. I'm a *suck it up, you'll be fine* mom.

I sat in front of the computer all Sunday night into Monday morning looking at baby pictures. Going over them again and again. I couldn't take my eyes off of the innocence. The last little life that was to ever come from my womb. It was really bothering me that I would not have anymore babies. That my children were growing.

I want to watch them grow. I look forward to it. Not just because each day brings me closer to the day when I can walk around my house naked and not worry about these poor, little lives being traumatized by it. No. I look forward to seeing them grow and mature into people who have dreams and ambitions. Who will go out and make a difference in the world. I look forward to them meeting someone whom they love and want to raise a family with. I look forward to being a part of that family.

I celebrated the day as only a mommy can. By taking a few moments to replay in my mind our first kiss. The first moment when my nose nuzzled her neck and she looked me right in the eyes as if to say *I hope you're ready, this is going to be a wild ride*.